A New Direction

I like to think of myself as a large wad of Play-Doh, able to be moulded with ease to adapt to uncomfortable social situations and exacting yoga positions. Aptly, I also consider myself able to adapt to the suggestions of others as to how the whole Terror Bites venture is panning out. So in this post I'm going to outline a few things that will happening on this blog in the future...

1. Shorter Reviews
I'm reasonably verbose - if there's something I want to say, I'll generally manage to get it out somehow. However, I appreciate that people don't really have much time to read my musings, and after a couple of people have reacted in a mildly shocked fashion after noting how much content goes into each review, I've realised that I may need to lock it up a bit. So I'll be keeping it more brief for here on in.

2. More Consistent Uploads
While I'll try to watch two horror films each week, you may have noted that my uploads are quite inconsistent. Now, this is not my fault (yeah, I'm passing off the blame... can you blame me?). The other contributors to my blog (including DJ Cheeky Wingz, Albert von Hammerschmidt OBE, Esteban, Bevan from Paul's and Susan) are all real people (obviously under false names of their own choosing), and I'm often waiting on them a week after watching a film to send me their paragraph which I then piece into the review. I've decided now to a) remove this reliance by watching more films by myself (I'll be taking one for the team and trying to not be too damn terrified) and b) skirt around this issue by - if I'm waiting for another contributor's input - posting about other horror related news.

3. Branching Out
As I mentioned above, I will be trying to keep my readers up to date with things outside of the films that I choose to watch. This will include heads up for upcoming films that look worthy of your attention, links to articles on other sites if they might be of interest and other cool horror related stuff I find online.

So, thanks for sticking with me in the last number of months as I iron the kinks out of my blogging style, and I hope you can continue to enjoy Terror Bites.

Yours in looseness,
Callie Babe

V/H/S - Kickin' It Old School

As one ought to approach any film that can be considered a 'compilation', I began V/H/S with a certain trepidation - I'm not usually a fan of anthologies as they tend to place characterisation and atmosphere at the back of the priorities in favour of cheap pay-offs. But V/H/S transcends this with a group of talented young directors and a found footage flavour that accelerates familiarity with the characters.

There are five small horror films in this flick, with another framing film which explains why the audience is subjected to the remaining five. We meet a group of mates who generally get up to no good - they molest strangers, they smash up abandoned properties. Then one of them announces that he's got a job for them, and a very well-paid one at that - to retrieve a video tape from some old bloke's house. They have very few details, and when they rock up to the house, things go smoothly until they notice that there happens to be the body of the old dude sitting in front of a bank of TVs with VCRs attached and a number of tapes sitting around. They split up to find the tape in question, and a number of things happen. A couple of them opt to watch a couple of the videos. A couple of them start to disappear in suspicious circumstances. And the cadaver disappears to. As one could probably see coming, they're not in for a pleasant evening.

Given the unusual structure of this flick, I'm going to just tackle each individual short in V/H/S in a separate paragraph, ending with the wraparound tale of our youths. I'LL BE LIBERAL WITH SPOILERS HERE, SO LOOK OUT.

The first - Amateur Night - involves some college (loose) youths deciding to make an amateur porn film with a spy cam in a pair of glasses. The take some girls from a bar back to their room, but one of the gals - who's been acting odd - gets odder, ultimately killing a handful of them and transforming into a succubus and flying off with our protagonist in her talons. Directed by David Bruckner (who you may remember shot that shocker The Signal), this was actually my highlight of the film. It's tense throughout (perhaps down to the obviously foreign  nature of the devil-dame), decently acted, nicely edited, and the audience develops a strong empathy for the wearer of the glasses (probably because he looks like Mother Teresa when compared to his dickheaded and borderline rapist mates). Though the VFX at the finale drop the ball somewhat (it's très low budget...), the gradual practical transformation of Lisa into fully-fledged harpy is phenomenal, with the canyon splitting her head in two an absolutely haunting image. The gore isn't subtle, but the whole vibe of V/H/S is crowd-pleasing in this vein - a packed viewing of this film would be undoubtedly a engaging affair filled with cheering at spilt blood. So a strong start then...

We then get Second Honeymoon, a tale of a youngish married couple on a roadtrip in America looking for a little excitement. The wife has her future told, and a past loved one is predicted to re-enter the picture. Then someone begins filming the couple sleeping at night with their own handycam, and when their knife comes out, it moves beyond creepy to kinda threatening. Our secret filmer is female, and is revealed to be the past lover once their lesbian dalliance is rekindled after she murders the husband and they elope. Although the brainchild of Ti West - a bright star on the modern horror scene - this felt like the weakest of the lot. Honestly, it's a tad boring, and coming after the firecracker that was the first short, it's attempt at a long build-up falls flat. There aren't many scares, and while it's not an obvious pay-off, it's not a clever finish simply because the audience haven't invested enough in the leads to care that one's now a cadaver and the other's gay once more. The actors seem constantly bored, and I couldn't blame them. I regret to say it, but this was a real waste of talent.

Tuesday The 17th (the next piece in the puzzle) isn't much better. We follow Wendy leading her friends through the woods to a lake. Our cam malfunctions a little on the journey, flashing up visions of slain corpses. They share a spliff. They engage in shitty banter. Then a couple of them head away from the group and get murdered by a form blurred by a technical glitch. A couple more follow. We're left with Wendy, who tries to trap the killer with some MacGyver-like contraptions - turns out she knew about the killer and was trying to thwart him/her/it. The haze escapes the trap and mercifully takes Wendy out too. While the piece has potential, Glenn McQuaid's (I Sell The Dead) direction isn't quite up to the challenge - our actors are pretty shite, the plot feels illogical (even for handycam horror), the use of the camera feels the least organic out of the segments, and the characters lack any reasonable human response. At this point, viewers are justified in wondering how many more of these we have to endure, but then along comes:

The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger, the brainchild of director Joe Swanberg and an original take on the whole haunting situation. Composed purely of Skype chats, we watch Emily and he BF discuss the haunting of her apartment long distance, and he naturally tries to help he out. She eventually gets attacked by two ghouls and knocked out, and we watch her BF come into the frame in her apartment and remove a foetus-like thing from her body. We cut to sometime later when they're chatting again and she seems convinced a car accident took place. Finally, we're treated to a quick snippet of Emily's BF talking to another gal on Skype, who starts to complain about a lump on her body too... It's very cool - a mixture of warped romance, strong chills, distinctive story-telling and a twisted government conspiracy. Swanberg maintains the fear once we get past the set-up, and the pay-off is a real sucker punch. The acting is pretty solid, and the chemistry between the lead couple feels tight but almost too stretched, which takes on  a special significance once the denouement takes place. This one really grabs you back into the film after a disappointing preceding couplet.

We finish with 10/31/98, a Halloween set tale directed by the quartet Radio Silence. We follow some friends to an October 31st party, but they rock up to the wrong house, and upon exploration, they think it's a haunted house set-up for the party. Then they find a brutal exorcism taking place in the attic, and being nice lads, they grab the girl and escape the house, besieged by supernatural forces. They drive off, but lo and behold, the car dies, the girl vanishes, the doors lock, and as they realise they're stranded on a railway crossing, a train begins to approach. Squelch. Radio Silence do an excellent job here. Our leads don't deserve to perish - they do everything right; save the girl, behave themselves, appreciate a nice haunted house gag - and yet they die. Our actors feel nicely chummy and like average, decent blokes. But the effects truly steal the show. Largely practical (I imagine), we get hands reaching out of walls, disappearing windows, levitating crockery (later utilised as missiles by angry spirits), unwilling bodies being hurled about and a squirm inducing train collision. It's a brilliant finish to the whole film, and the producers (or whoever dictated the placement of the shorts) made an excellent call in saving this for last.

Now, to discuss the framing piece, entitled Tape 56. Directed by Adam Wingard (whose film You're Next I'm incredibly toey to catch - please comment below if you have any idea where I can find it), Tape 56 does its job effectively. Our group of miscreants are effectively characterised as bad seeds, and their penchant for filming their anarchy feels justified given their unusual line of work (getting paid money to randomly assault strangers and get their breasts on celluloid). The editing is well-handled - chaotic to begin with but settling into a classic horror vibe once the house is breached. Though the plot seems obvious and you will see the 'twist' coming, the zombified dude does his whole stalking/murder-by-numbers thing in a remarkably creepy fashion which is just fine with me. If I had to poke holes in a strong package, the willingness of the group to split up at every opportunity feels too convenient, but the fact that they needed to design a framing plot for the other shorts almost totally justifies our protagonists' stupidity/bravery.

It's a mixed bag. 4 out of the 6 films are well worth watching, and I'd say that sitting through the 2 stinkers is little price to pay for enjoying their stronger companions. Is it the 'biggest horror release of 2012' like it was hyped up to be? I'd have to say no, but I'm sure it'll carve a niche at the box office regardless. Accordingly, I'm showering it with a rating of 4 out of 6 VHS tapes, and I think that there is definite potential for this raw format to have a stronger example in the coming years...

Enjoy a pretty fun red band trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uOISibzrUI

Battle Royale - And You Thought Seppuku Was Bad

In one of Donald Glover's comedy sets, he asks why we have the stereotype that all Japanese people are weird or crazy. He answers his own question: 'Because we dropped a RADIOACTIVE BOMB on them! If you filled me with radioactivity then got me to design a mall, that mall would be fucked up!' I feel that this film is a logical progression from this gag - it's seriously 'fucked up' plotwise, but it's a strong genre piece that is apparently quite a good leaping pad for those trying to get into the extensive work of Kinji Fukasaku.

Essentially, it's like the Hunger Games except less overtly political with the whole 'districts' spiel and a lot more explicitly violent. A class of Japanese school children are nominated by a former teach to partake in the annual Battle Royale, in which the kiddies must fight to the death over the space of 3 days on an abandoned island observed by a number of soldiers and game supervisors in a high-tech control room. They each get some food and water and a random bit of kit that could be useful e.g. a crossbow or entirely 'the joke's on you' e.g. a saucepan lid. Some mysterious guests with mysterious agendas are also thrown in the mix, so the sole survivor will really have to work for their life. Friendships get tested as do survival instincts and adaptive abilities. There's only one certainty - when the Japanese spill blood, they aren't afraid to make it gloriously unsubtle, or the blood of a frighteningly young citizen.

While not explicitly a horror film (I'll pay thriller), it's certainly a genre piece, and on this credential (along with Tarantino's wholehearted recommendation) I felt that it warranted a peek. The premise of its strong source material - Koushun Takami's 1999 novel - is its greatest strength. It's wacky, but there is a lot of exploration enabled in the relationships on-screen and in the audience's expectations of human behaviour being twisted in the sick combat we witness. The director's son Kenta adapted this film, and he's done a great job. There appear to be some leaps in logic as to how exactly the absurd program came about from within the government and how it can possibly be perpetuated, but once you're in the actual game there is really no time available to sit back and question. With 44 competitors (42 school kids, 2 of the aforementioned mystery guests) starting out on the island, there is going to have to be a lot of dispatching shown to whittle down the possibilities. And this dispatching is split into two fairly distinct subgroups - touching, slow, character deaths and indiscriminate, swift, murder enacted on background players. I could muster no real complaints in how these are distributed - enough of each to satisfy both the blood-lust that we all deny we have and the innate desire for human connection.

The cast is the second strongest aspect of this film. Working with children is renowned for the difficulty that comes with wrangling the youngsters, but Fukasaku overcomes this adage by allowing their rawness to shine through. They are kids, and they react as such. They weep very openly. They have their little circles of friends. They chuck a wet one when there's a hint of betrayal within said circles. While some characters definitely blur into each other (there are just so many running around), you do ultimately care for them, and when they go on their merry way to Hell you feel pretty down. In this manner it's closest to a horror - calling the stuff we're privy to in this flick horrific would be like calling a Wednesday night at college a little rowdy... a grade-A understatement. It hurts. Pretty badly if I'm honest. But that doesn't detract from the experience - it's kinda the whole cruxof the film-maker's statements about the state of the youth and the helplessness of society when it comes to providing structures to help them. The older members of the cast - particularly Kateshi Kitano as their phenomenally barless class teacher - do hold up their end of the bargain, though noticeably fade into the background.

I had some troubles with the photography, which never quite nails it in the night set pieces. It gets a kind of overwhelming blue wash which just messes with your appreciation of the action as much of it gets swallowed in this kind of inky blackness that creeps in around the subjects framed in a distinctly dark blue tone. The editing and score do their respective bits well, though aren't particularly memorable. While the blood is liberally strewn across this film, there is some room for improvement in terms of realism - although perhaps it's simply part of Japanese cinema culture that a certain lack of reality when dealing with the blood of grade 3 kids is a good thing for both the audience and the ratings boards.

Now, Bevan from Paul's and Albert von Hammerschmidt OBE will purvey their respective takes on the modern Japanese classic.

Bevan from Paul's input:

Pubescent homicide... A movie about mortal combat between a group of 48 teenagers sounds and is awesome; for there is no other demographic that is as unstable and psychopathic than the 14-15 aged girl- and they don't disappoint. No west-written script (the hunger games) could have possessed the unique ability to make a film such as this; contrasting the vulnerability and innocence of these pimply half-men and women with cruelties inherent the modern world with the touch of the writer Koushun Takami and director Kinji Fukasaku. That said, the dialogue in the subtitles deserved a more considered treatment for there was, how do you say it, something "Rost in transration". Don't go and see The Hunger Games, watch this. Out.

Albert von Hammerschmidt OBE's input:

The best way to sum up Battle Royale would be if Home and Away was set in Japan and between the romantic love interests the characters killed each other. Tis a crazy, crazy ride, where you aren't sure what is happening 100% of the time due to questionable translation of the subtitles and an insane culture gap. That aside it’s a definite recommendation, so much so that it inspired me to set up my own battle royale on one of my islands in Micronesia. The kills and gore in this film are very imaginative, with winks to this film being found in works such as Tarantino. 4.5 sobbing Japanese schoolgirls (literally) out of 5.

So, this is a strong genre piece. It's what I wanted from The Hunger Games but never got - a darkly comic, highly involving, bloody thrill ride with lashings of political commentary. It's earnt a respectable 34 out of 42 Japanese youths, and it's certainly ignited a desire in me to look further into some renowned J-horror movies a la Ringu.

Død Snø - Dead Snow Indeed

I don't profess for a second that this is incredibly deep, highbrow cinema, but my God it's brilliant fun. This is the Norwegian mash-up of their own native folklore with some zom-com and solid homage to classics of the genre like early Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson films. It's as gory as anything I've seen so far, it's pretty inventive in parts, and it knows how to deliver what the crowd wants, both on the scares and laughs fronts.

When five randy Norsk med students hole up in an isolated snowed-in cabin for a good time over the weekend, it looks to be an excessively enjoyable time marked by the consumption of alcoholic beverages, perverted sexual practises and some light skidoo-ing. However, the classic spooky harbinger visits them with the story of the Nazi soldiers who terrorised the local community, nicking all their valuables and stashing it. These nasty Nazis were eventually driven into the mountains by the pissed off locals and never seen again. Surprise surprise, our youthful friends happen upon quite the discovery - the treasure trove of stolen trinkets left under the cabin by those light-fingered fascists! And yeah, naturally the soldiers are awoken, and they want their gold back. And being zombies, there isn't much they won't do to get it back. We watch them go to town on the harbinger to establish their status of serious killing machines. Cue a fight for survival between our future medical practitioners and the stiff SS, and of course, some serious bloodshed.

Directed by Tommy Wirkola, this is exciting stuff. Having previously made Kill Buljo - the Scandinavian love letter to Tarantino's Kill Bill - he's a director who's adept at  handling homage without getting overly sentimental or derivative. There are serious moments too, though you'll have to wade through some liberal amounts of camp and gore to get there. The little emotional touches that bind our characters together are pretty solid and nice to watch - but is nice really enough? The familiarity  here doesn't quite honour the adage and breed contempt, but it does end up birthing what's almost a sense of apathy with their being dispatched. The action scenes are well handled and feel quite inventive in certain patches, which is good to see. The gore is excessive, sure, but it's what this genre almost necessitates to go beyond the plausible and establish itself as merely entertainment. the film's opening also boasts the most inventive use of In The Hall Of The Mountain King I've seen since The Social Network, and it concluded with a terrific jump scare. But it's the comedy side of this film that is most resounding - there are guilty pleasures aplenty to be had, both with some classic visual gags (rock climbing with intestinal guide ropes!?) and one-liners that lose none of their punch in conversion to subtitles - watch for the lad who worries that he may have insulted the undead troop a little too much... absolutely priceless.

The FX team of Per Steinar Hoftun, Shino Kotani and Steinar Kaarstein definitely earned their keep. Fake blood was applied by the gallon, and some fairly strong prosthetic work was required to assemble the horde and also to maintain a sense of reality for the multiple dismemberments and mutilations. The supporting work of Janne Røhmen (the key make-up artist) can also not be brushed off in the creation of the zombie mass who present as a sort of mottled off grey colour. The score is nothing special - energetic, maintains a bit of tension when necessary, no stand out tracks (aside from the aforementioned Mountain King rendition). Dead Snow is edited quite tightly, and there is no problem's to be found there.

Just a few problems that I do feel I need to voice however... Firstly, it's actually absurd just how stupid some of these victims are. If this is a fair portrayal of the future of Norway's medical professionals, I think it's fair to say that their unbelievably high standard of living is about to plummet astronomically. I don't mind the distribution of a few knuckleheads in a cast just to stir the pot a little, but to populate the whole cast with characters who repeatedly do dumb things is a tad excessive. It feels somewhat weak that the film-makers had to rely on poor decisions to get their characters in sticky situations. Just a thought. And secondly, the cinematography was a mixed bag. Some spectacular vistas are framed and enjoyed in the light, but when the sun sets, some serious shadowing issues began to arise. The dark is not Matthew Bradley Weston's best friend (the director of photography), and the low budget must have caused some shooting constraints that are somewhat evident in the finished product. It's not impossible to work out what's happening, but having to strain doesn't make for a pleasant viewing experience.

So yeah, lots of fun, but under the knife it falls of the bone a little too easily for my liking. With that said, it's still an excellent low budget effort and it had a respectable run at the global box office and various festivals. If anything, it's a good sign for Wirkola's current film in development, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (my excitement is further augmented by Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton's involvement). I bestow Dead Snow a handsome 2 out of 3 isolated cabins - worth a look, but lower your expectations a tad.

Trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap4TiNIKQJ8

[●REC] ² - Who's Up For Round 2?

What makes a good sequel? I like to think that it retains those elements from the original that made it successful, but takes them in a new direction and adds some new elements. While The Descent Part 2 lacked this originality, relying on the first without really differentiating itself, [•REC]² delivers exactly this. It’s still scary and handy-cam and claustrophobic and effective, but there are new layers here – parallel storylines, bigger twists, serious weaponry, multiple cameras. Is it as good as the original? No. But is it good? Hells yeah.

A squad of cops are sent into the apartment block in which the infection originated in the original to analyse the situation, accompanied by a health department official. We watch it through their helmet-cams and the camera their unit takes in. They make their way up to the penthouse and search for information, when a sound draws one of the four policemen into a lower apartment. The others watch through his camera as he is attacked by a rabid woman and presumably killed. They demand information from the health department bloke, and he admits that he is in fact a priest, and the infection is demonic in nature. They cannot leave the block until a blood sample of the girl who was initially possessed is located. Meanwhile, some youngsters find their way into the block through the sewers with a camera in the hope of capturing some valuable footage, and also become embroiled in the chaos. Their search for the virus’ source gets nasty – she is not a nice gal and doesn't particularly want to have her blood sample taken, but who does like needles really?

It's more of the same where the cast are concerned - pretty solid, maybe a little amateurish, but this almost helps their cause of making us believe that they are simply ordinary folk caught up in an unimaginable maelstrom of shit. The police unit that we follow through hell are well chosen and established as very separate characters, which is handy when stuff starts going down so we can keep track of who's been 'turned' and who is still with us in the land of the mentally functional. Our pretty lead from the original film makes a surprising return and holds her end of the bargain, with her ability to believably sustain what is a pretty surprising ending helping the movie along somewhat. The most notable of the cast I'd have to give to our friend the health official/undercover priest - I'd describe him as a sort of Paul Bettany-lite. He has a certain desperation about him, and his almost unnerving faith is important in adding a sense of gravitas to what could have been just an average exorcism style questioning of faith and all those other tough religious themes.

Those behind the camera are pretty much the same as the first film, and they keep their game's pretty solid. A nice touch was the reversal of the cameraman's name - this one sees the camera carrying officer addressed as Rosso, this time the cinematographer's last time (Pablo Rosso). There were no motion sickness concerns that can crop up in this style of shooting, and everything that you needed to see was pretty unmissable - just one of the benefits of having a trained direct of photography behind the majority of the shaky-cam work. This time round actually required a little more skilful editing as the viewers switch between the multiple cams, and it was pretty tight in this regard - scares were effectively built up to and dropped on the viewers with the greatest of prejudice, and this pays off. The directors also changed their game up a little this time around, both as necessitated by the stylistic upgrades of multiple cams and story lines and also just generally. I didn't know how many times I could get scared by small, possessed children/creatures dropping out of the top of the frame, but [●REC] ² certainly tried to set a defined number.

The sound design is just as important this time around, and probably even steps it up a notch with some booming firearms thrown in the mix. The long periods of silence broken by frenetic mob sounds are still intact, and they do the same job just as well. One minor gripe in that respect is that they maybe come less often than they should - the survival of more major characters to the finale means that there are more mouths to break the silence, and this is almost a little frustrating (does me wishing movie characters would hurry up and kick the bucket make me a bad person?).

And finally to the ending. What an absolute prick of an ending. It's gross, upsetting, creepy, gross, tragic, spooky... did I mention gross? AVOID THE FOLLOWING IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO SPOILERS. Our friend from the first film miraculously survives and tags along with the policemen, but slowly goes a little mental and effectively kills the survivors. She then proceeds to imitate the priest's voice perfectly to have the forces surrounding the building let her out. You guessed it - she's been possessed by the demon at the root of all this mayhem. We're then treated to a flashback in which we see the original film's ending, only this time augmented with footage of the reporter having a thick wormy creature forced down her throat by the woman who haunts the attic, and we just know that this was the beginning of our female protagonist's possession. It really hurts to watch, and I can all but guarantee that you'll be feeling something slithering around in your throat for a few days afterwards.

But like I said, it doesn't improve on the original, though it's a damn good effort for a foreign horror sequel. It's still pretty scary, and laden with some sultry Spanish accents for your pleasure, so it's ultimately worth taking a peek at. It's no18 standards out of a 700mL bottle of Smirnoff Vodders like the first film, but I'd certainly pay a solid 14 standards.

I'm hopefully going to get a new review up every day this week so stay tuned for this canon of carnage. You stay classy.

Get amongst the trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G18Y-S8YrQ0

The Cabin In The Woods - Mind. Blown.

The inaugural outing of the Horror Club turned out to be a resounding success, and this is largely attributable to the brilliance of the film at its heart. The Cabin in the Woods is absolutely mind-blowing cinema. It’s hilarious, terrifying, mind-bending, dramatic and fundamentally emotion driven. If you haven’t yet seen it, walk away from your computer and find it immediately. Stop reading and educate yourself as to its brilliance. Seriously – leave, enjoy, return, and revel in its radiance with me.

 The less you know about this film, the better. So I’m going to give you the studio synopsis of this film, which has been constructed no doubt with a team of brilliant writers to minimise any spoilers – and it’s very light on details. Here it is: Five friends go to a cabin in the woods. Bad things happen. You think you know the story. Think again.

PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE FILM, STOP READING UNTIL YOU HAVE. I’D RATE SPOILING THIS MOVIE AS MORE CRIMINAL THAN SPOILING THE SIXTH SENSE. DON’T EVEN WATCH THE TRAILER. JUST KNOW THAT IT WON’T DISAPPOINT. THIS COMING PARAGRAPH IS A FULL ON PLOT DESCRIPTION – AVOID IT ALL COSTS UNTIL AFTER SEEING THE MOVIE.

We begin with Hadley and Sitterson (Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins) in an industrial plant, discussing some cryptic project – it seems important, and there’s mention of other similarly vital failed attempts worldwide, leaving it up to them and the Japanese. Simultaneously, five young, bright, attractive student friends go for a weekend away at the titular cabin. They are Curt and Jules (a couple), Holden and Dana (a set up couple) and Marty (the stoner). They encounter a mysterious ‘harbinger’ at a gas station, a creepy old hick, and we slowly start to suspect that something isn’t quite right. We flick back and forth between the kids and the technicians, and more of a picture begins to emerge – the kids are part of something bigger, though they don’t know it, and they’re being chemically manipulated to optimise stupidity by one of the technicians’ colleagues. The kids explore the cabin and pick rooms – Holden realises that he has a one-sided mirror through to Dana’s room, and starts watching her getting changed before calling it up and switching rooms. What a pussy. In the plant, there appears to be a weird betting pool to do with the demise of the youngsters. The kids start partying and playing truth or dare, which results in an incredibly tense moment in which a mounted wolf head cops first base. The basement hatch springs open at the command of the operators, and the students descend to check it out. There, they become obsessed with different knickknacks, like a puzzle orb, a scarab pendant and a diary. The technicians watch with baited breath, and we know that something’s going to go down – the diary wins, and Dana distracts the others from their items by reciting a Latin passage which ultimately awakens a family of ‘backward, pain-worshipping, zombified rednecks’ called the Buckners, who start towards the cabin. Jules and Curt head outside for a cheeky wink wink, and are promptly attacked. Jules is killed. Curt runs back and alerts the others – they begin to respond logically to the danger, but the chemicals pumped into the cabin alter their thinking to maximise kill opportunities – the button pushers are now definitely suss. They get locked in their rooms, and Marty is dragged outside and into a murder dungeon by a zombie. Holden breaks through the mirror to get to Dana, and they get into the basement via an alternate entrance. Curt joins them and they manage to get to the RV and escape. However, a rock tunnel collapses around them after a brief rush from the techies, and they’re forced to try to jump the well placed and treacherous ravine on Curt’s motorbike. Unfortunately for the big guy, he hits an invisible forcefield and perishes in the attempt. A distraught Dana and Holden turn the RV around and drive back, but a sneaky zombie – having managed to stow away in their vehicle – dispatches Holden with a well-placed stake through the neck. The techies celebrate for some mysterious reason – a ritual of sorts appears to have been completed by this death. The RV crashes into the lake nearby, and Dana must fight to survive against the remaining Papa Zombie awaiting her on the wharf. But the scientists are suddenly told there’s a problem – while Dana’s death is optional (being the ‘virgin’), it appears that Marty has actually survived. Marty rescues Dana, and together they go down the elevator that Marty has found from whence the zombie family came. They find themselves surrounded by werewolves, ghouls, Pinhead-like characters – Dana is struck by the realisation that they chose their own fate, and her reading of the diary selected the Buckners. She is understandably upset. People downstairs are being given commands to kill Marty at any cost, but Dana is essentially up to personal discretion. They get out of the lifts and hide from the assault team assaulting them in a control box. Dana finds the magic button and releases the contents of the other lifts onto the soldiers. It gets bloody. Every imaginable horror creature is set loose to rampage through the compound. Everyone is brutally hunted down and murdered, except Dana and Marty, who make it through a secret passage to a room below, where Sigourney Weaver explains to them what’s just gone down. It’s a right carried out annually to assuage the Old Ones – Gods who live in the Earth and demand sacrifices. Without their sacrifice properly carried out (with Marty still alive), the world ends as the Old Ones bust free. Very uplifting stuff.

Sorry about that rant – the movie is hard to talk about without knowing the full plot. But moving on. Our five leads are uniformly great. They embody the classic genre archetypes – The Whore (Jules – Anna Hutchison), The Joker (Marty – Fran Kranz), The Athlete (Curt – Chris Hemsworth), The Scholar (Holden – Jesse Williams) and The Virgin (Dana – Kristen Connolly) – and do so for a very particular reason. Jules is stunningly gorgeous, and her transformation from brain to foolish zombie fodder is painfully human. Her repartee with Curt is believable (I’d guess partly because Hutchison is a Kiwi and Hemsworth is an Aussie – just a bit of trans-Tasman banter), and their relationship feels natural given their respective looks/smarts. Williams is the ultimate combination of testosterone fuelled sporting prowess (his body checks on some of the undead are priceless slapstick) and – before being influenced by Hadley and Sitterson’s gasses – surprising intellect. His death is pitch perfect – epic, tragic and just predictable enough to have the audience clenched in painful anticipation. Marty’s primary function is to provide comic relief, and he smashes this objective out of the park. His astute observations of their situation and the logic (or lack thereof) in his peers’ actions are spot on, and being the lead whom best represents the audience in the film due to his lack of mental affectedness, Kranz is incredibly likable as he asks the questions we as viewers are begging of the situations on screen.  Williams is sweet and quietly bright as the unexpectedly athletic Holden, and the rapport he develops with Dana is pretty adorable – I don’t know many blokes who’d tell everyone about the one sided mirror from his room to the attractive girl’s bedroom… Probably classifiable as the lead, Dana rounds out the five in an eminently likable fashion. She feels vulnerable, but there’s an internal strength that builds throughout and is unleashed beautifully throughout the final few scenes. It must be said however that Hadley and Sitterson steal the show. Jenkins and Whitford nail it. They’re hilarious, they share brilliant chemistry, they can play the whole world weary, ‘we’ve seen it all before’ act, they can do crisis control fear on another level, and they can die with gravitas and irony.

This film’s primary strength is its script, and if the system wasn’t laden with political undercurrents, I’d rally behind it until my dying breath for an Oscar. It riffs off every possible cliché in the teenage friends vs. murderous forces book, and it’s so damn refreshing to see such inventiveness. If the twist feels tired, it’s only because MGM had this finished film in storage for 3 years before Lionsgate bought the distribution rights – Sigourney Weaver’s cameo may have been emulated in Paul, but it feels more special here. The humour is outstanding and unmistakably Whedonesque – it’s the same wit that was so praised in The Avengers, and it works even better here given the morbid subject matter sandwiching it. The development of the characters is handled carefully, and they’re all fleshed out to the point that it is remarkably sad to see them go. And go they do – the death scenes peppering the opening two acts and absolutely cluttering act trois are inventive and guiltily pleasurable.

Drew Goddard – first time director and co-writer – is no slouch either. His stylistic flourishes feel fresh and energetic, and he’s definitely out to impress with this film. One of the highlights of the film is the irony it develops. Goddard teams well with Lisa Lassek (who worked with Whedon on The Avengers), whose editing allows many of the jokes to work brilliantly through the structural mirroring – the repetition of ‘Let’s get this party started!’ on both sides of the observation wall is brilliant and haunting. The cuts back and forth between the cabin and the technicians below are flawless, and provide much needed laughs. But don’t think for a second that this is just a spoof of horror films – whereas Scary Movie focused on the gags, this dishes up the scares too. While it’s more about generating terror and rabid fear as all manner of beasties are released towards the end, the opening scenes populated by the Buckners get some solid jump scares in. What’s more, many slashers seem to lose steam as they trundle along, but this number is impressive in the way it only vamps up the energy in the final act as every last modicum of shit they can rustle up hits the fan.

David Julyan’s score is another strong asset – the musical cues are classically string propelled and generate such palpable tension it almost hurts. Four brief moments were particular stand outs. The basement set moment in which our characters are all seemingly drawn in by different items crackles with suspense and builds up to an amazing crescendo. The track entitled The Diary of Patience Buckner is at once both tragic and frightening, and watching the Buckners rise from the ground is heart wrenching for us as viewers, given our reasonable suspicions that it won’t end well for the students. For Jules – the number playing over the top of Curt’s inspirational speech before he hits the force field like a bug on a windshield – is epic and emotional in equal measure, and toys with our expectations of the action we’re seeing. Finally, the orchestral strains that billow across viewers during the amazing zoom which reveals Marty and Dana in their lift surrounded by every horrific creature imaginable in adjacent lifts are incredible. It encapsulates the hopelessness, the perverse humour, the tragedy and the torture of their situation, and crafts a truly memorable reveal.

Now, DJ Cheeky Wingz, Esteban and I all caught this together at the Chauvel, so I'll let them gush to you about how deeply it moved them. Enjoy.

Esteban's contribution:

Although I don't know what a woods are, I certainly do know what this film is about. I would select it as the best film I have reviewed before. I laughed and jumped in fright, but the best of all was the plot was so unknown. I think I know what happens after a bit and then the bit after is slightly different to what I predicted would happen. Whoever wrote it must have had a spacious and bonding imagination.

If you are bored on a night by yourself, and you haven't nothing to do, or are not busy or perhaps you are so tired you just don't want to do the things you have to do, that kind of mood, and you want to laugh, choose this film. Or if you want to be scared choose this film. Or if you want to be aroused sexually, choose this film (but stop it about 45 minutes through cause that’s when all the sexy stuff stops for the most).

 I rate the cabin in the wood full score. I'm super impress.

DJ Cheeky Wingz's contribution:

Cabin in The Woods is somewhat of a fearless masked bandit in that it provides some sort of question from insanity for people of all ages however I think in my heart that if you enjoy warm milk and lemon myrtle biscuits then you will like this movie even more than the first time you saw it. This movie has become one of the greatest underdog stories ever told purely because of the use of horse women within the plot and this was deliberately done by director J.K Rowling because one day as she walked back to her car in the rain she spotted a headless man inside her car and she stuck her fingers in the space where the man’s head should have been and a small eagle appeared and told her that she was truly beautiful. Perhaps if this movie was a little bit longer then it would have been successful in establishing the central plot which has some issues around it mainly to do with the lack of kind friends and the fact that is wasn’t filmed in a very funny country (Iceland is really very cold in winter) and perhaps it would have been quite a bit better if sometimes all of the characters smiled at the same time and tasted each others cheeks because it would make it seem like a good idea. All in all I feel this movie is really quite sad because I loved all the characters in this movie one time before and perhaps with some greater emphasis on naked fishermen and lady singers with no mouths and our worst enemies the desert sandal this movie would be quite great. If I were to make it feel good I would give it a half dead pig.

I don’t think I can stress enough how much I enjoyed this movie. It’s astounding. I spent the next few hours raving at anyone who would listen about it. I wouldn’t change a thing about it. It’s bold, funny and shit scary. Almost the perfect date movie (share some laughs and then enjoy her burying her head in your shoulder – you’re welcome), though the gore may turn off some of the more sensitive ladies. I offer it a perfect score – so close to flawless that I cannot differentiate it from perfection itself. Watch it. Please.

The trailer is filled with spoilers, but here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJUIgf7lsCY 

PS: Sorry for my lateness with this one, but there will be hopefully two reviews per week for the next few months... Welcome back to Terror Bites, and please comment on the reviews.

The Signal - On My Signal, Unleash Hell!

Finding ourselves pretty stumped as to what we should watch, we googled for a list of largely unseen, awesome horror films. We found the The Signal, and it's fair to say that we were ultimately disappointed. I have no doubt that, okay, it was likely to be 'largely unseen', but 'awesome'? To say the label of 'awesome' is generous is a understatement worthy of prosecution. It was largely unseen for a strong reason - its overall averageness. But criticism knows no bounds, so I shall press on regardless to bring you possibly the first negative review of Terror Bites history.

This film is made up of three 'transmissions', each with a different director and very different genre foci. In transmission uno, we get introduced to Mya, who's cheating on her husband Lewis with the surprisingly unattractive Ben. Then all electric appliances begin transmitting a bizarre signal (and guess what - it may even be the very same signal that attracted such a title) which transforms normal people into generally irrational beings with a penchant for slaughter. Mya must escape her apartment before it's all too late. Transmission dos visits a New Year's Eve party hosted by Anna and her husband. Several people drop by, and several are also brutally murdered. This section is largely played for absurd comedy, that is until Lewis drops by convinced Mya is somewhere there. Transmission tres takes itself very seriously indeed, and sees Ben and one of the party attendees (Clark) go to find Mya at the train station. Lewis is there waiting for them with Mya, and we get treated to some psychedelic romantic horror-drama. Mmmm...

I think this project was doomed from the start. So disparate are its parts it ultimately plays out like an anthology, and anyone who has been subjected to one of the godawful ensemble anthologies themed around public holidays (vis New Year's Eve or Valentine's Day) knows that there is a serious lack of character development and coherence. The Signal is no different. It jumps between its elements with little regard for the audience's feelings in the matter. Transmission 1 plays for gore and some thrills, 2 goes for black (very, very black) humour and 3 rounds it out with psychological romantic chills. The different directors bring different skills to the table, and their relative capabilities given the extremely low budget shooting are adequate but just don't really mesh well.

Now onto the cast - they're amateurish in the very sense that they simply aren't professional, but they get the job done. Unfortunately, some felt very unlikeable, like our lead couple Mya and Ben - the latter of whom we're supposed to like despite being a home-wrecker - which is a real shame, as I just never really gave a shit as to what happened to them and their misguided romance. The real stand-out for me was the husband Lewis (A. J. Bowen), who also made an appearance in The House of the Devil. He has the acting chops to pull off a range of the classic rage/jealousy/psychosis emotions and thought processes, but he is such a deep well of humour in the most inappropriate situations (such as murdering a friend's niece) that the film is strengthened by his adroitness when it comes to guilty comedic pleasure. Come to think of it, the second transmission was by far the most impressive acting - Anna, her neighbour Clark and the party guest Jim all nail the fine line between creepy and concerned, with some laugh out loud results.

Those behind the camera do an acceptable job. There are some nice scenes, but there's really nothing in terms of its style that sticks with you long after finishing the movie (aside for an overawing feeling of grungy footage and low budget cameras). Two massive suggestions would have been to cut the opening weirdness (we are met at the door of this opus with a quick snippet of a crappy exploitation and torture flick up until the title screen which goes totally unexplained) and also just remove the partitioning of the film. I appreciate that each director had a different vision and mission, but you can't expect to get away with such blatant emotional manipulation. I think that for the sake of a better film, the helmer of no. 2 should have just taken the reigns of the whole lot and stamped his own brand of absurd humour all over that whole thing, because its fatal mistake was taking itself too seriously in the other sections. On their own, perhaps parts 2 and 3 could have been viable shorts, but when they human centipede the glorious laughs of the middle piece, they look dull in comparison.

Now, the best friend of the masses, child molester and billionaire Albert von Hammerschmidt OBE (just got the OBE recently - make sure you congratulate him when you see him next) will let you know how he felt about The Signal...

Albert von Hammerschmidt OBE's contribution:

Many things in this life come in threes: bad luck, ABC shots, a human centipede and the movie The Signal. By that I mean The Signal has a distinct 3 act structure, with each act done by a different director. This is where my comparison of a human centipede and the movie The Signal ends, as unlike the human centipede the only part in 'The Signal' you want to have anything to do with is the middle piece. The first and third acts are poorly made, boring and I had a complete lack of empathy for any of the characters. However the second act was really quite enjoyable as it took on the tone of an extremely black comedy, which proved very effective. The script in this act is tight and the line delivery suited the tone the writer was going for. If you want my advice, read a brief plot synopsis and watch the second act as a standalone piece. Don't waste your time with act I or III and don't waste your time with sub-standard scotches. Hammerschmidt OBE out.

Judging by von Hammerschmidt's scathing words, it can come as no surprise that I was not pleased on the whole by The Signal. There was potential, sure, but seeing unrealised potential is perhaps more painful than not having it in the first place. I've decided to give The Signal 18 out of a possible 99 marks. If you have half an hour, watch the middle transmission by itself, but overall, the whole package is not really worth witnessing.